I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
