Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
