I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
