Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
