Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
