he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sext me about skeletons
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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