JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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