I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
