I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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