we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You took a bar mat shot.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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