I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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