The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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