I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
