what day is it and did you see me today?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
