census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
