In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
