Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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