I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
