My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
