Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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