an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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