I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Two words: blizzard sex
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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