she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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