A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
dude. I can hear the air.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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