no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
