There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
