I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
