Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
