My friends, they love my intelligence
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize