after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
