I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
