I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I need moral support for this bender
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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