i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
True strength comes from lack of pants
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
