you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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