Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
