I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
