i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
