did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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