thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize