When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
