i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
