i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
