mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
