just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
