i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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