omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize