im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
