could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
