I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
