The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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