Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize