i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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