I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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