new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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