this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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