see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
