I am puke
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i think i just lost a toe
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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